Wednesday, July 27, 2011

9 months old...

The little miss is officially 9 months old. Crazy, crazy.  Sort of at a lose for words, well no that rarely happens, more like at a lose for where to begin!?  How do you asses these past 9 months?  (how will I even process her turning a year old in October and so on..?)  I will admit, next to my natural home birth, raising a baby full time has been the hardest thing I have ever done. People often tell you this, and it's easy to brush them off... because in most cases it feels like they are Mr. or Mrs. doom and gloom telling you life sucks in general, the same people that refer to their spouse as the 'ol ball and chain...  But in another way, from a different aesthetic- this is THEE hardest thing I have ever done.  

Sure being pregnant was not always super fun and had its good times and its more challenging times, but this is a totally different mindset.  I once heard someone describe birth as -going to the moon-  and I found that to be true and feel that it holds up when defining the subsequent months of raising and caring for a baby. It's like going to the moon.  It's both glorious and isolating all at once. It's out of my realm of normal, completely new and unchartered territory.  The word survival comes to mind ; )  But it's this mysterious inner strength that is the amazing part, this unrecognizable will that often takes the wheel just when you don't think you can breast feed any longer, or pick up the heaviest baby known to man, or be cried at, or continue to put your stuff on hold. What stuff?  And this "will" that keeps you engaged and "on" at all times like the clown that parenting requires you to be, as you dance around the kitchen waving your arms in the air, making up a song about the microwave all to amuse a baby while their food is heating up... this "will" that keeps you intact, that somehow tells you that brushing your own teeth today, getting out of your pajamas before lunch are all worthy and noble mini victories, this "will" that has essentially turned you into a pasty triathlon runner with the mindset to go the distance, to "RUN, Forest RUN" all the way across the continental Unites States and back again because some where in you there is this thing that pushes you on  ... this "will" is (yup you guessed it) LOVE.

And. It's. Insane. 

It's like you went ahead fell in love, had a baby and now the love that you had for each other that was just for the two of you... that was at times self centered has EXPLODED all over the room. And now instead of just being consumed with our relationship ... I watch us fall in love with our daughter on a daily basis. Sure there are moments when I don't like her so much, but I always love her, always will. The other insane part is being another link in the chain of your family generation, of future generations... we talk about this sometimes and it blows our minds. (not in a trippin kind of way, mind you. Just a looking up at the stars type of moment when your brain gets a new wrinkle).

anyway... my point is (after writing this at midnight last night) that these 9 months have been wild, fun, hard, challenging, lovely, inspiring, exhausting, all consuming... a special time in my life. I normally don't write so openly on my blog like this, but I thought it was important to share an overarching view of the changes in my life. I feel that, as women, we don't always share the hard stuff. Sometimes out of kindness to not scare the ones that are on deck, or from this old school 1950's view that there are just some things you don't talk about, that admitting that this baby-thing is hard, or that you had a rough day- is weak or unsightly.... but here it is in all it's glory.  And it reminds me of the first thing I said after she was born, as I sat in our home birth tub holding her... "I would do this again!" that's the crazy-ass insane love talking, and it's true.

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