I mentioned at the beginning of June how this summer I really want to paint outside, specifically to paint landscapes... I know this is a tall order- what with having a toddler around full time (not just around, but responsible for) but mostly because how freaking hot it is going to be this week... as you can see, as with all goals, it's very easy to start coming up with excuses or road blocks. (If you can't even attempt to work on a goal then no opportunity of failure!) It's all well and good to have a goal-wish list, but if one never actually puts it on the calendar, it will keep getting pushed aside.
And yet I have this intense desire to paint... I let my frustration and lack of interest with oil painting wain during grad school, which was good since it allowed me to focus on breaking into and dabbling with installations... but now here it is, returned, awakened... perhaps it's the ultimate call to self, the call and search for my former self, the one that could have on a whim scooped up easel and paints and hit up a field somewhere... not that I ever did... I look back on my -before baby years and become a cliche of wishing we had traveled more, of wondering why we were so lame and didn't live that year in New Zealand, why we didn't go on a honeymoon....? And now, why the hell didn't I just go for it and paint landscapes!? And the answer is that for starters I didn't actually want to paint landscapes, I find them daunting and because if I had, I would like to think I would have achieved this goal... but mostly before becoming a parent you have no freaking idea what time means, and you abuse it by luxuriating in its infiniteness...
And now I sit here at night after putting the little one to bed, and curse myself for continuing to abuse my "free time"... I sit here and stare at the computer... the mountain of things in my brain, jotted on countless misplaced lists, and even on a note in my i-phone, are so immense and endless I sit struck dumb as to where to even begin... and mostly I'm tired and lack inspiration to get off my ass.
Thus I turn to this bigger more lofty goal of painting landscapes. To escape into a landscape... one that I can dictate, where it is quiet and only the essential remains.
Practical conclusions have been reached- I will practice painting landscapes indoors, working from pictures and other images... doing little sketches in both oil and watercolor... researching and gathering inspiring images, and so forth. And then one cool late afternoon, I will throw baby in the car and hit up a field somewhere. (I know just the one!)
But most importantly to drop the whole Jacob Marley act of being shackled with regret, pointing fingers and warning the childless to savor their free time... but rather to savor my own time, the present... because I'm sure years from now when the house is again quiet and personal time becomes overwhelming, I will look back at these years and say I should have relaxed more and gone with the flow, to not be so hard on myself, that it's great to strive towards a goal as well as to sit motionless after baby bedtime hours and just soak in the quiet... my own little motherhood landscape
1 comment:
You will do. all. the. things. Just pick up that brush and put something in front of it. Oils are time consuming, and landscapes are broad. Maybe just play with some watercolors and flowers on your lawn this afternoon? Your teeny one can do some of that, too, I would think. Momma moves in the direction of the bucket list and little gets excited about the creative. ;-)
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